How Expectations Keep You From Living A Life You Love

Let me set the stage for you. I start a running program expecting to loose 20lbs quickly. I obsessively review the plan on Pinterest and I follow a ton of svelte runners on Instagram. I do the program for a week and it’s going pretty well. I’m exhausted, but surely the weight is falling off. Imagine my shock when I step on the scale to find out I gained 2 lbs! WTF? 

My expectations were unrealistic. Deep down I knew they were, but I still chose to believe them. Because of that decision, I was disappointed. Can you relate?

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Expectations have always been a big part of my life and they are usually super high. Expectations of myself, my parents, my daughter, my husband, and even my friends. We all likely have these expectations, even if we don’t consciously realize it.

Recently I read a book called, Letting Go by David Hawkins that was super eye-opening. In terms of expectations, he alluded to the fact that they were making us miserable. 

This was something I never really thought about. I was always under the impression you were supposed to have high standards for yourself and everyone close to you. 

What are expectations exactly?

John Johnson of Psychology Today writes, “that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract.” The problem is that we have this idea in our head that the other person is supposed to do something, but they aren’t in on it. 

Your spouse may be totally fine with buying you flowers on your birthday, but if you don’t tell them how are they supposed to know? We then get into an emotional state because we believe they don’t care about us. 

Why do expectations cause problems?

A popular slogan used in programs like Alcoholics Annonomys is “Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments”. This saying sums it up pretty nicely. The truth is that these expectations don’t necessarily need to be considered unrealistic. For certain people, they are completely reasonable. 

Here are some reasons why having expectations can cause issues:

1. Things are out of your control

2. People may not agree to live up to your expectations, even if you tell them

3. Some times things just don’t work out

4. You are putting your happiness in the hands of others

5. Leads to disappointment

What can we do to change unrealistic expectations?

One of the lessons from the book Letting Go is obviously to let things go! Stop expecting your friends and family to live up to your expectations. Now, this doesn’t mean you stop having boundaries and ways you need to be treated. But those are more high level and don’t come down to the level of the issues that cause bickering. 

For example, it’s ok to expect your spouse to treat you with respect. An expectation would be thinking they should make enough money to let you lead a life of luxury. If you want to have abundance in your life, take responsibility, and create it for yourself. Appreciate the people in your life for what they bring to you, instead of focusing on what you perceive they lack. 

Tony Robbins says, “Turn your expectations into appreciation and your whole life will change.” 

Where do you think your expectations are causing you problems? What changes in mindset can you try?